Mom Enough?

So I am sitting here, in my sweatpants and under my blanket recovering from some sort of flu that Laurie and I must have caught.
Uhh, it was awful! We spent the whole day yesterday laying in bed all achy and sore. I wonder how many hours I slept. Today we are feeling better, just a bit of a sore throat and tire muscles.


For as we should have learned already, we are not indestructible... 
But even in this sickness I am thankful, because God has many more situations and lessons to teach me, and mold me.


It was hard for me to settle down and be sick. I wanted to fill all the needs we usually do, but I was surely sick. 
I remember if ever my mom spent the day in bed, everyone knew she was really sick. Because she always had things to do-a full time job!


During all my time laying in bed I had a bit of time to pray and think of all that the weeks have held. 
And my new "job". 
As I look back on these weeks, I sit and wonder how I have made it this far.
 I look back on all the grace God has poured out to my weak and faulty self, and all the areas I am so unprepared for.
God has been so good to us keeping us safe and healthy, and emotionally fit so far. I praise Him for His goodness.


It is hard to keep everyone up to date for so much can happen in one day it would be impossible to chart all the grace I receive!


I can testify of how I am confident of the Lord wanting me here- specifically at the Village- and guiding me.
I can really tell how God has so specifically called my focus the the children here. I am consistently surrounded by these thirteen kids. My days are not easily distracted from meeting the needs right in front of me, and my heart is starting to feel like this is home.


I, all of the sudden now am not just a twenty year old girl just doing whatever; but a mom of thirteen, a sister, friend, teacher, and an example.


Laurie and I spend our time helping with homework, bible lessons, and sorting clothes, but 90% of our energy is spent as housemothers when the full time mothers have days and weekends off( that is what this weekend was supposed to be until we got sick...).


And let me tell you, I have a whole new respect for my mother!
 I must admit, I have no idea what I am doing! I did not realize the job of motherhood and the consistent call to change a dipper, clean the floor, teach a child, and get so little of sleep. It is a consistent call put others before yourself. 
And I am learning that it is one of the biggest, and most hands-on way of discipleship.
It is a life you don't have time to strategies, but moment by moment needing to seek God for wisdom and guidence.


It is such a joy. I new joy of giving of one's life-pouring our- and loving a child.


And sometimes it is just hard ( as my mother reads this, and laughs at my "revelation" :) )


Sometimes I just look at the needs, and then look to myself and just think "you are not enough"...


And that is because I am am not! 


I am not mom enough to teach a child to read with patiences. I am not mom enough to clean up a dipper explosion all over the floor; not mom enough to understand when to correct or when to listen. I am not mom enough to understand why a teenage girl won't speak to you. Not mom enough.


"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I do not have the wisdom to meet even the simplest of MY needs! But this is where the grace flows, and where I have reason to rejoice!
I rejoice because I was never called to be all that!


God never called me to be saturated to these needs for me to meet. Me being "not enough" is nothing new to my Heavenly Father. And so God never called me to be "mom enough" but he did promise that He is and always Has been GOD ENOUGH!

 I am reminded of reality and truth.
I am not actually a mom, but I have such an opportunity to love these kids and lay down my life/ deny my wants, just as Christ lay down His life for me- Praying everything- so I don't have be me enough, but that Jesus MORE than enough.

"This war isn’t about me being mom enough.

 This war is about God being “God enough.”

Is God “God Enough”?Five loaves and two fish feed thousands. A shepherd boy takes out a giant. A king who commits adultery and murder is called “a man after God’s own heart.” A pagan prostitute bears the bloodlines of Jesus. A man dead and buried for days inhales fresh life. An outcast, stained with a continual flow of blood, is healed with the touch of a tunic. The wind and waves are stilled. The sting of death is vanquished, the curse removed forever.God is, always has been, and always will be, God enough. The battle is over whether or not I will believe it, whether or not I will delight in God’s enough-ness.Mom EnoughAnd somehow, in God’s mathematics of grace: Mom (never enough) + God (infinitely enough) = Mom enough.Mom enough to believe and to be called Chosen, Daughter, Righteous, Honored, Heir, Forgiven, Redeemed."- an article from a missionary in Africa for 12 years

Humility and Love

“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it give us information but in such a way that we cannot really heart it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.” 
–The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller

I stumbled across this definition of the gospel while reading Tim Keller’s book on marriage.

No, I am not married, or even close to getting married, but the book speaks on so many matters other than having a loving marriage.

I didn’t know how much this book would minister to me when I began reading it. It was just on my list of books to read.  I am so thankful for how God works in ways like that, for I have been learning so much more about my natural self, as I also learn though experiences.

Trust me when I say, I have a sinful heart. 

Even I do not fully know the depths of my depravity.


Before I left for S.A., a missionary woman from my church and I were talking about spiritual growth and understanding of grace. 
She spoke about how the more we come to know the holiness of God, the more we understand the depths of our sin, and the love of Jesus. As you grow in Christ it is not that you have more sin, that Christ gets more righteous, but it is our understanding of the gospel that becomes a clearer picture of salvation. 
It is similar to a crescendo < to see true need for salvation, and more the irresistible beauty of God's grace towards us.
This is why we have the humble saints such as Paul who said 

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners —of whom I am the worst. ¹⁶ But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life."
- 1 Timothy 1:15-16


In Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage, he speaks on my generation’s culture on “love” and marriage. How everyone is looking for a person who will share all there interests, meet those needs, someone to feel in love with, and accept them in all their forms.  (doesn't that sound awesome??)
But the truth is that chances of finding one perfect person who meets all these requirements are slim, and slimmer yet, that you will be that person for them. This is completely unrealistic to expect out of a human.

All idealistic. And none of it is how the bible has showed us what love and marriage should be. It shows us that marriage is an example of CHRIST'S love to us. Christ's love is what we look to mirror, but without first experiencing the definition of Love in Christ Jesus we will be let down, by every human, for like me is dreadfully flawed by sin.


::BUT::

The bible shows us what love is in Philippians 2

::Imitating Christ’s Humility::

2 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: (the one with full understanding of our separation from God- for our sin- and the one who in we have full salvation from sin and the access to God in example) 

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God, 
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing 
    by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant, 
    being made in human likeness. 
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death —
        even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name, 
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, 
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, 
    to the glory of God the Father.




This is the  Love: That Jesus Christ knew the damnation for our wicked hearts, yet LOVED us to bring us access into His presence! And He did this through self sacrifice.




NOW, go back up to the top of the page and read the quote again. 


Think on the meaning of the depths of what it means to be accepted in this love. Remember the consequence for sin in Hell. 


+++ After reading+++

Now, 

if this is true... we have to be truthful with ourselves. 

"God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.” 

And if this is true... what does it mean for me?

What does this mean about my identity, my working, my attitude towards other, what I expect from others, and the needs of my heart?

I don't know who reads this, but if anyone has any questions, please send me a note, or contact me. But let this kind of love, humility, and the knowledge of this change you.

This is not just for me-a struggling new missionary- but for all, to be fully clothed and accepted through Jesus Christ's love on the cross, where He suffered, died, and rose to bring us into full understanding of salvation through grace. He has offered this in humility, so that through His grace you might be saved.
And understand the truth about you and I.