The Goodness

So, It has been a while since I have written anything on this.
I am alive and well!
I could come up with a million excuses for why I have not written,
but I won't.
I would tell you many stories, of the good and bad days;
But that would be a lot.
I could tell you all that God has been teaching and opening my eyes;
And I will.


But, what I have experience during the last few weeks (while neglecting my blog) is something too sweet to be cluttered with all of those things at this moment.
I am sure I will eventually get caught up, somehow; but at this moment I am filled with the joy of a simple truth.
               "I will exalt you, my God the King; 

    I will praise your name for ever and ever.
 Every day I will praise you
    and extol your name for ever and ever.

 Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; 
    his greatness no one can fathom. 
 One generation commends your works to another;
    they tell of your mighty acts. 
 They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
    and I will meditate on your wonderful works.^[b] 
 They tell of the power of your awesome works— 
    and I will proclaim your great deeds. 
 They celebrate your abundant goodness 
    and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

 The Lord is gracious and compassionate, 
    slow to anger and rich in love.

 The Lord is good to all;
    he has compassion on all he has made.

All your works praise you, Lord;
    your faithful people extol you. 
 They tell of the glory of your kingdom 
    and speak of your might, 
 so that all people may know of your mighty acts 
    and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. 
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, 
    and your dominion endures through all generations."- PSALM 145:1-13

These last weeks I have been reminded of the joy of salvation, and the goodness of the Lord.
Sweet grace.


So many ways the Lord has poured grace upon grace to me.
Grace: this thing so undeserved.


God has shown me His love and goodness to me in so many ways.
He has given me given me laughter, when discouraged; sleep, when I was tired; His Word, when I was hungry; eyes, when I had no wisdom to see; and love, when I knew none.


He has given me all I needed, and still he delights in blessing His children with those sort of gifts!
Gifts I do not deserve. Gifts I do not need. Gifts that show me love. Gifts of goodness, mercy and love!
These are gifts of the goodness of the Lord, that fill me up with joy.
And they can be so simple, yet, as the Lord knows my heart, He knows how to bless is so well!


Here are a few of those sweet gifts, and moments that were captured in part :)


Enjoy!

Beautiful

Working on our music with a glockenspiel and accordion band :)

A fun day off in Bloem with our friends! ( Me, D.J, Sam, Alex, Allison, and Laurie)

What's for dinner?

Look at those cheeks- He later fell asleep on me

Laurie and the boys

I love hearing Tumi talk- He is getting his "NO " down to a tea, in english a Sotho 

Mom Enough?

So I am sitting here, in my sweatpants and under my blanket recovering from some sort of flu that Laurie and I must have caught.
Uhh, it was awful! We spent the whole day yesterday laying in bed all achy and sore. I wonder how many hours I slept. Today we are feeling better, just a bit of a sore throat and tire muscles.


For as we should have learned already, we are not indestructible... 
But even in this sickness I am thankful, because God has many more situations and lessons to teach me, and mold me.


It was hard for me to settle down and be sick. I wanted to fill all the needs we usually do, but I was surely sick. 
I remember if ever my mom spent the day in bed, everyone knew she was really sick. Because she always had things to do-a full time job!


During all my time laying in bed I had a bit of time to pray and think of all that the weeks have held. 
And my new "job". 
As I look back on these weeks, I sit and wonder how I have made it this far.
 I look back on all the grace God has poured out to my weak and faulty self, and all the areas I am so unprepared for.
God has been so good to us keeping us safe and healthy, and emotionally fit so far. I praise Him for His goodness.


It is hard to keep everyone up to date for so much can happen in one day it would be impossible to chart all the grace I receive!


I can testify of how I am confident of the Lord wanting me here- specifically at the Village- and guiding me.
I can really tell how God has so specifically called my focus the the children here. I am consistently surrounded by these thirteen kids. My days are not easily distracted from meeting the needs right in front of me, and my heart is starting to feel like this is home.


I, all of the sudden now am not just a twenty year old girl just doing whatever; but a mom of thirteen, a sister, friend, teacher, and an example.


Laurie and I spend our time helping with homework, bible lessons, and sorting clothes, but 90% of our energy is spent as housemothers when the full time mothers have days and weekends off( that is what this weekend was supposed to be until we got sick...).


And let me tell you, I have a whole new respect for my mother!
 I must admit, I have no idea what I am doing! I did not realize the job of motherhood and the consistent call to change a dipper, clean the floor, teach a child, and get so little of sleep. It is a consistent call put others before yourself. 
And I am learning that it is one of the biggest, and most hands-on way of discipleship.
It is a life you don't have time to strategies, but moment by moment needing to seek God for wisdom and guidence.


It is such a joy. I new joy of giving of one's life-pouring our- and loving a child.


And sometimes it is just hard ( as my mother reads this, and laughs at my "revelation" :) )


Sometimes I just look at the needs, and then look to myself and just think "you are not enough"...


And that is because I am am not! 


I am not mom enough to teach a child to read with patiences. I am not mom enough to clean up a dipper explosion all over the floor; not mom enough to understand when to correct or when to listen. I am not mom enough to understand why a teenage girl won't speak to you. Not mom enough.


"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I do not have the wisdom to meet even the simplest of MY needs! But this is where the grace flows, and where I have reason to rejoice!
I rejoice because I was never called to be all that!


God never called me to be saturated to these needs for me to meet. Me being "not enough" is nothing new to my Heavenly Father. And so God never called me to be "mom enough" but he did promise that He is and always Has been GOD ENOUGH!

 I am reminded of reality and truth.
I am not actually a mom, but I have such an opportunity to love these kids and lay down my life/ deny my wants, just as Christ lay down His life for me- Praying everything- so I don't have be me enough, but that Jesus MORE than enough.

"This war isn’t about me being mom enough.

 This war is about God being “God enough.”

Is God “God Enough”?Five loaves and two fish feed thousands. A shepherd boy takes out a giant. A king who commits adultery and murder is called “a man after God’s own heart.” A pagan prostitute bears the bloodlines of Jesus. A man dead and buried for days inhales fresh life. An outcast, stained with a continual flow of blood, is healed with the touch of a tunic. The wind and waves are stilled. The sting of death is vanquished, the curse removed forever.God is, always has been, and always will be, God enough. The battle is over whether or not I will believe it, whether or not I will delight in God’s enough-ness.Mom EnoughAnd somehow, in God’s mathematics of grace: Mom (never enough) + God (infinitely enough) = Mom enough.Mom enough to believe and to be called Chosen, Daughter, Righteous, Honored, Heir, Forgiven, Redeemed."- an article from a missionary in Africa for 12 years

Humility and Love

“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it give us information but in such a way that we cannot really heart it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.” 
–The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller

I stumbled across this definition of the gospel while reading Tim Keller’s book on marriage.

No, I am not married, or even close to getting married, but the book speaks on so many matters other than having a loving marriage.

I didn’t know how much this book would minister to me when I began reading it. It was just on my list of books to read.  I am so thankful for how God works in ways like that, for I have been learning so much more about my natural self, as I also learn though experiences.

Trust me when I say, I have a sinful heart. 

Even I do not fully know the depths of my depravity.


Before I left for S.A., a missionary woman from my church and I were talking about spiritual growth and understanding of grace. 
She spoke about how the more we come to know the holiness of God, the more we understand the depths of our sin, and the love of Jesus. As you grow in Christ it is not that you have more sin, that Christ gets more righteous, but it is our understanding of the gospel that becomes a clearer picture of salvation. 
It is similar to a crescendo < to see true need for salvation, and more the irresistible beauty of God's grace towards us.
This is why we have the humble saints such as Paul who said 

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners —of whom I am the worst. ¹⁶ But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life."
- 1 Timothy 1:15-16


In Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage, he speaks on my generation’s culture on “love” and marriage. How everyone is looking for a person who will share all there interests, meet those needs, someone to feel in love with, and accept them in all their forms.  (doesn't that sound awesome??)
But the truth is that chances of finding one perfect person who meets all these requirements are slim, and slimmer yet, that you will be that person for them. This is completely unrealistic to expect out of a human.

All idealistic. And none of it is how the bible has showed us what love and marriage should be. It shows us that marriage is an example of CHRIST'S love to us. Christ's love is what we look to mirror, but without first experiencing the definition of Love in Christ Jesus we will be let down, by every human, for like me is dreadfully flawed by sin.


::BUT::

The bible shows us what love is in Philippians 2

::Imitating Christ’s Humility::

2 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: (the one with full understanding of our separation from God- for our sin- and the one who in we have full salvation from sin and the access to God in example) 

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God, 
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing 
    by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant, 
    being made in human likeness. 
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death —
        even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name, 
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, 
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, 
    to the glory of God the Father.




This is the  Love: That Jesus Christ knew the damnation for our wicked hearts, yet LOVED us to bring us access into His presence! And He did this through self sacrifice.




NOW, go back up to the top of the page and read the quote again. 


Think on the meaning of the depths of what it means to be accepted in this love. Remember the consequence for sin in Hell. 


+++ After reading+++

Now, 

if this is true... we have to be truthful with ourselves. 

"God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.” 

And if this is true... what does it mean for me?

What does this mean about my identity, my working, my attitude towards other, what I expect from others, and the needs of my heart?

I don't know who reads this, but if anyone has any questions, please send me a note, or contact me. But let this kind of love, humility, and the knowledge of this change you.

This is not just for me-a struggling new missionary- but for all, to be fully clothed and accepted through Jesus Christ's love on the cross, where He suffered, died, and rose to bring us into full understanding of salvation through grace. He has offered this in humility, so that through His grace you might be saved.
And understand the truth about you and I.

Teach Me to Pray

Tumi hanging on my leg

Time is so strange here. I am learning just to live life- learning to walk moment by moment by spirit and in truth- because I am being watched.  There are not many "big moments" of challenge or revival, but thousands of moments to be faithful.


I knew that when I decided to come to South Africa for eight months, it would not be like all the missions trips I have been on. I knew it would look different in the way I would invest, and spend my time. 
With missions trips you are always busy, everything is new, and it seems like God always makes seven, set apart days to change your life. When you are coming for a longer amount of time, it takes a little while to truly settle in.  I am realizing, that you I am building, and investing in longer terms.


These last two weeks (or however long I have been here...) I have been learning how to settle in. I am learning how to be poured out, and also how to rest. It is difficult retraining my brain to really listen to what God wants me to be doing with each task.  And noticing that in all this, I have many little eyes watching me, seeing how I respond. I am accountable for baring whiteness of what it looks like to walk as Jesus calls us to walk. I am leaning to live ( not just act) like Jesus did, and love as God does.


 ::The Character of God:: 

doing hair with the older girls

I was just thinking and praying for ways that I can walk that way, and  in the character quality of faithfulness. Being faithful is not something you from moment to moment, but rather moments built upon each other that become consistent. Oh man, and consistency it hard... To be faithful is a spiritual discipline, that takes work!Discipline doesn't really sound fun either... but God's word speaks of discipline like a good Father. Discipline trains you in the behavior you Father asks of you-this is to walk and live like His son Jesus.

Lerato

:: The Other Day::
I am excited for all the opportunities I have to " just be" with all the kids. The other night, Laurie and I were up at the older girls house, just sitting around talking. It was great! We covered so many topics of conversion, (cell phones, school, boys, favorite ice cream, etc.)We just had time to "be". It was sweet time for me, because in each of those topics, there is opportunity to meet with God the Father.
 Each of those things in those girls lives God is interested in, and loves, and wants to hear about! We can even praise Him for ice cream! :) Each of these moments are teaching ones. 

Monica

As I  kept thinking about being faithful, I was thinking  "HOW in the WORLD can I learn to be consistent in the way that Jesus is?!" This is going to be SO hard... and I really don't even know how to start. I asked God, how I should pray.  

Paulina, Sthembile, and me

My brain is so small, and I am so silly sometimes, always taking things into my own little hands, when all along Jesus has told us how we are to pray. Like a good Father, He has taught me to pray.

Our Father, which art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done in earth,

As it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive them that trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

(Matt. 6:9-15)

Laurie with Sthembile and Inseeki

God is good! and faithful,  and never changing.  He has been faithful to teach me, and train me to look more like Him in the U.S., so I know He will be faithful to do the same here in South Africa! He has proven consistently His goodness, and provision for me, so I can have confidence.


::Opportunity At Hand::
This week from Thursday morning- Sunday afternoon Laurie and I will be house parents for the older girls house. There will be so many opportunities to get to know the girls deeper, and be able to speak truth into them, in many topics. But.... none of this will happen unless, the Lord makes a way, and gives us moments of grace, to be faithful to do as He wills. This means we can pray for this weekend as He has taught us to. 


::PLEASE PRAY::

• Baby Inseeki: to sleep better at night this weekend. ( Laurie and I are newbies no-sleeping-baby- nights :) )

• Mallory: to be faithful in the way God has asked me to live like His Son. 

• Laurie and Mal together: to continually seek the Lord in all circumstances, and attitudes.

• The Missionaries: The Niehoff's, to be encouraged, and steadfast with the busy weeks to come; and the O'Tool's to speak clearly about RHI ( Restoring Hope Int.) and have people be excited to be involved in supporting their ministry.

And... sorry this was a long post. Thank you those who stuck it through and read it! :) :)

Too Easily Pleased

::One Full Welcome::

This week has been a blessing! It seems as though it has been much longer than reality.

I don't really feel like I am in Africa, because it is not Africa like you all are imagining. It is cold!

At night, there are moments when you can see your breath, and in the days it warms up to be a beautiful t-shirt weather day.

This weekend Laurie and I were house parents for seven children. Lerato 10, Modiehi 9,  Kamohelo 8, Rethabile 4, Tumelo 3, Tumi 1, and Sthembile who is 4 month old.

As you can see it was a lot of fun, and also a lot of work, and things to learn. Brian and Lois put us right to work! We quickly settled into this busy house, and learned what it is like to be a mom. We did laundry by hand, had consistent slobber shoulders, an built up an immunity to poop and the like,  with sleepless night, cooking and cleaning.

We were very busy caring for all these kids. Laurie and I felt gitty when we finally crawled into out beds where we are staying. It was a great feeling!  Although the glamor wore off with the spit up, I love it. 

The night we were relieved from our kids, Louis O'Tool ( the other missionary family fundraising in the U.S. until September) spoke at my hometown church, and we listened in online. 

Louis, spoke about The Village and it's mission to show God's grace in the community here. He shared a short story of each child that I had just spent the weekend getting to know. Many of these stories I did not know . It was a reminder once again of how to love, and what I had really come here to do- share the salvation of Jesus' love. 

In Louis presentation he spoke on the culture of sin and how easily it pleases us, as humans.

He shared a quote, speaking of the sin he had seen so easily in the culture of South Africa, and the lies and covering of sins that we try, to hide our need for Jesus.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” 

Tumi

― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory, and Other Addresses


::Literally::
Here in South Africa there are real children, sitting in slums, really having no idea what a "home" is. They have never seen it, therefore are content to live in the mess.

Such Cubby Cheeks

:: Figuratively::
I am a child, far to easily pleased to make mud pies and delight in sins, and prideful attitudes, unpleasing to the Lord. But the difference is, I have seen the greatness of the King Jesus, and I have been called a daughter of that King, full of blessings; YET I still chose the sin. I am far to easily pleased to find my own way, then to be fully satisfied with the Lord and giver of life, the fount of living water. 


"Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."- John 6:35


::How Can I?::
How can I receive these infinite joys? How can I look and see the gifts, rather than always choosing to sin?




Matthew 5: 6 says

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied"

I am here working at an orphanage, yet I struggle with just working, and forgetting the one for whom I serve;
all the while, I am serving and serving, and going hungry... I am hungry because I failed to notice and acknowledge my need for Jesus- the Bread Of Life-Jesus, the One for whom I serve, and the one who shows me grace and mercy. Jesus; the One from whom my love come, my joy, my satisfaction, my rest, my security.  


I can not do anything apart from him (though I try).
If I am not thirsty for Jesus, there is a problem. I can not move past it. 
If I am not thirsty for Jesus, yet am not hungry, I must ask myself what it filling up my appetite? 
Pride, vanity, selfishness, independence?

Do we look tired yet?

And so, I question my huger, and my thirst? Is it my ego, that leads to distraction and filth, or my Jesus, and seeking righteousness, that leads to joy?


I need to be earnestly asking the Lord, to show me my needs, and make me thirsty for Jesus.